Thursday 23 July 2009

Blogger review challenge. Musical Erections. Musical Migraines.


So to really get into the swing of this bloggers review thing, I thought I’d challenge myself.

I don’t profess to know everything about music, like all honest men I’ll openly admit there are things I don’t know, and probably more that I should learn. But I do know a fair bit, and I definitely know what I like.

So here’s the challenge. I’m going to turn to a music channel that I normally wouldn’t watch. Something girly I guess, like... I dunno, let’s go with flaunt. Once there, I will have to write an article on the first full song I hear. So changing over now.

Ok, Paul Van Dyke playing at the moment, so I’ll wait till that’s finished. Oooh, now adverts... great.

And Oh Christ, I remember now why Flaunt isn’t a channel I watch, because this review is going to be of Alina-When you Leave (Numa Numa). So with fingers cracked I have an awful feeling this is going to exhaust me. Either because it will take all of my restraint and tact not to lash out and rip it to pieces, or because I’m actually going to let loose.

Firstly, let’s just explain track itself. It’s a hardcore dance cover of the famous meme, “Numa Numa” (The imaginative name makes it hard to guess this, I know) . So in clubs and discos I don’t doubt this song has everyone jumping up and down to the beat and singing along. I confess that I was in a club and this came on I probably would too. Although some part of me would be screaming and clawing it’s way out. But it’s not something that can be helped. While it’s hardly a work of art, it’s fun, chirpy and cheerful. Cheap and cheerful though. Very cheap indeed.

For a start, the lyrics have been changed so badly it nearly made my ears bleed. Not even the content, although more on that later, there are so many missing syllables and beats in the verses it feels like a car that keeps stalling. It removes the flow of the record, and as such it’s completely held up by the repetitive, and predictable dance music in the background. (Which by the way, is so simple a 7 year old could do it using eJay).

The lyrics themselves were very “look at me I’ve got tits”. For example...

Hello, Salute, it's me, your babe
And I made something that's real
To show you how I feel,

Starts of in an incredibly egotistical way, and then sort of fades out into Linkin Park. What’s wrong with this song goes far deeper than the fact it was based on an already annoying song, popular purely because of internet fads, memes and pisstakes. Something record producers seem to mistake on a daily basis for being actually good. Matter of fact has it that 90% of the population hate the bloody things, but watch them for that “the Office”, Jimmy Carr, someone just fell over, kind of humour.

The rest of the song’s lyrics follow in the same vein, and don’t exactly plunge the depths of human experience.

The singer’s voice itself is... well. It’s not really a voice it’s so far auto-tuned. I know it’s dance music, so it’s expected to some extent, but in my mind there are three kinds of auto-tuning. The first tweaks bum notes. The second is reserved for electro. The third is completely over the top and used for robot voices, and comedy videos like “Auto Tune the News”.

This sliding scale of auto-tuning should denote quite happily how much any music should contain, but this video... well. It’s got more than any of them. If falls straight off of the scale. It goes beyond tuneful and straight into the realm of unsingable ‘nonsongatude’. And yes, I did make that word up.

Then of course, there is the video. No points for guessing what this dance video contains. That’s right, you score no-points. Half naked women, Neon Paint and provocative dancing. So no complaints from me.

Sorry, from my penis. My other brain was turning to ooze and pouring out of my ears.

At the end of the day however, I can’t really complain though. This is the kind of music flaunt plays, and the song was made for the dance floor, where it would have been at home. Ironically, at home, this music isn’t at home. Most people don’t watch flaunt on their own, they might leave it on in the background, but they don’t watch it.

You get what you pay for with cheesy dance music.

At least that’s what I was intending to finish on, but then the next song was Deadmau5. After that I listened to some Fake Blood. You know what? Alina is just shit.

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